I Don’t Recognize Myself

Let me explain.

I’ve fallen in love with a church called The Anchor here in Nashville.  I like it so much because it’s a bit of a misfit church: On Valentine’s Day, the church’s women’s ministry went to a strip club and gave Valentines to the dancers.  That’s the best way I can describe it to you.

This church has played a big part in what I can only describe as a cosmic chain of events that has been making me into a different person.

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If you read this blog now and then, you know that I’m in Nashville trying to get my music career to “the next level”.  I came down here with drive and a plan to make things happen on my own.  I succeeded to a point but, around May-ish, I hit a wall.  Everything I tried to do with Hello Kelly (tours, bookings, seeking management, etc.) would fizzle out or get trampled on.

I was exhausted and frustrated.  A very familiar feeling to me over the past couple years.

It can be summed up in these lyrics from a song my brother Adam wrote called The Burn:

There’s so much I need to learn and I don’t know if I can
I’m stuck on the same thing that I’ve been stuck on always
Whenever I look at myself now, I see the same man I saw back then
The same problems and no more wisdom

Every step I take, I take two backwards
And I expected more
How many times must I learn my lesson
Before it strikes a chord?

I feel like I’ve been dodging that lesson for years but, about a month ago, it finally struck me like a sledge hammer to the chest.  I cried like a baby.

This post is about to delve into a bit of a personal, faith-based realm now, so if you’re not down with that, feel free to read about hypothetical (and hyper-silly) Inflatable Swimwear HERE instead of me.

I was in a service at The Anchor and I heard God speak.  There was no burning bush or glowing angel.  But I heard it just the same.  This voice said something along the lines of: “Your plan isn’t working and you know it.”

It was right.  I’ve been spinning my wheels.

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The bridge in that song goes like this:

Will I ever learn?
Or do I love the burn?

To me, the burn is the work we do: the grind, the dream, the plan.  In my life, it’s music.

A couple months ago, I wrote THIS POST.  In it, I said: “I feel like I’m in a new Season now.  Many things are different, but the biggest different thing is my heart.  I feel like the curtain has closed and opened again.”

That night at church, I prayed a prayer that amounted to this: “Take my plans and my stupid destinations because I don’t want them anymore.”  I have difficulty saying things every day because of my stutter, but those words were some of the most difficult I’ve ever uttered.  Not because of any speech impediment, but because I’ve found so much of my identity for the last 5 years in what I’m doing with music and what I’ve accomplished.

I used to think that “spiritual intimacy” was locking myself up in a room with a candle and a Bible.  I’m learning that it’s much simpler than that.

I’ve never felt so excited, passionate and confident about my future, and this is the irony: It’s because, for once, I don’t think I really care where I end up.  Strangely enough, ever since I’ve started learning these things, things have turned around for Hello Kelly but that’s another post for another day.

I’m still broke.  I’m still far from home.  I’m still super confused about what it is I’m supposed to be working on.  But I’m still here.  This could still definitely go anywhere, and I feel like this new perspective is exactly what I was missing.

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For those of who’d been waiting for an update from me, I hope this suffices.  For those who’ve been encouraging me to blog more, I will do my best.  For those wondering when the new Hello Kelly CD will be released … We’re starting to say October pretty officially ’round these parts.

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So I don’t really feel like the same person these days, but I’ve never felt better either.  We’ll see where this goes.

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francy